MSN — Patrick

I really have no idea who Patrick is. I got an email one day from pat_luvs_dogs@hotmail.com saying hed seen my profile and wanted to talk to me on MSN Messenger. Now I’ve had that sort of email before, but only from girls. As I talked to Patrick it slowly dawned on me that he is gay and won’t admit it to himself:
<blockquote>patrick: hi all asl
Andrew: …Who are all these people?
patrick: me mates
wade: who r all u
Andrew: Surely you should know the ASLs then?
patrick: nope
Andrew: Some mate you are.

patrick: pies a pedo
Andrew: pie?
patrick: aslo andy
patrick: asl andy
Andrew: If you’re going to all me a pedo what on Earth makes you think I’m going to tell you where I live?
Andrew:You didn’t even spell it right.

patrick: its crap r u gay or bi
Cheeky has left the conversation.
Andrew: Smooth.
patrick: well r u

wade: bitch

wade: soz bout that talkin to me bro called im a bitch and whuile i said taht to im i wrote it as well soz

patrick: r u cummin
patrick: on cam
Andrew: I didn’t realise this was that kind of chat.
patrick: okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
patrick: wade can i c ur cam
Wade has left the conversation.
</blockquote>Everyone leaves the conversation. Patrick likes to add everyone who’s online and some people who aren’t. I talked to him for quite a while, so he came back for more. He even asked me to invite my contacts. Apprently, he hasn’t read this page. He probably wouldn’t get it anyway:
<blockquote>patrick: do u ave the sims
Andrew: Somewhere, I think. Haven’t got it installed though
patrick: do u no the cheat so there naked wen in shower
Andrew: They’re ALWAYS naked in the shower. Otherwise their clothes would get wet.
patrick: so u can c them without the blur
Andrew: Why don’t you just get some real porn and have done?
patrick: i want the full lenth movies if u ave any can u send em 2 me
Andrew: Oddly enough I don’t have any.
patrick: ave u got the cheat den plz
Andrew: No.

patrick: asl
S-2K: 57/tg/San Fransisco
S-2K: Or, more accurately, I’m Not Going To Tell You.
patrick: tg?
Andrew: This should be fun
patrick: y
patrick: tg?
Andrew: asl… tg… y. He’s a man of few words.
S-2K: Or vowels, it seems.
patrick: wot u on bout r u gay

patrick: how do u no andrew
S-2K: I just know him.
S-2K: It’s one of those things.
patrick: how
Andrew: He’s my manager.
patrick: ur 57
patrick: sure he is
patrick: i bet u just do 69 wit eachother cos u like more mature man
Andrew: You’re pretty fast to jump to conclusions.
patrick: so im right den
S-2K: Nope.
S-2K: Patrick, can I ask you a question?
patrick: k
S-2K: Seriously, just how much of your brain is left in Full Working Order?
S-2K: I’m worried that someone like you can get access to a computer, let along know how to operate a program as complex as MSN Messenger.
Andrew: Can I ask you a question?
Andrew: Do you still want me to invite more of my contacts?
patrick: well atleast my brain isint in my pants an then andys gob
Andrew: Yes, I suck his brain. That makes perfect sense.

patrick: well atleast i dont ave gaysex wit my manager
Andrew: You haven’t got a manager.
S-2K: No…. you’d need a job before that could happen.
patrick: i am the manager
S-2K: That makes perfect sense.
Andrew: Well I’d be very much impressed if you COULD then.

S-2K: I guess Patrick’s spending a little quality time with his Manager, huh.
patrick: yes i am but atleast im not gettin a boy to do it 4 me u perv
S-2K: I love how much sense that didn’t make.
</blockquote>It was roughly at this point that Patrick found the caps lock key:
<blockquote>Andrew: So.., if you’re not gay, why did you want to see my webcam?
S-2K: He wanted to see your webcam? Now I feel left out… or, more accurately, I don’t.
Andrew: Which is a shame. I haven’t got one.
patrick: COS WANTED 2 C HOW UGLY U R
S-2K: OOOH, BURNINATED.
patrick: UR PROBLY 2 EMBARESSED

patrick: I CAN TELL UR 57 NOW
patrick: LOSSER

patrick: BRAINAC
Andrew: The word is “brainiac”.
patrick: WERE IN A CHATROOM IT DUSNT AVE 2 B PERFECT
patrick: WOT R U ON
S-2K: A computer.
wade: the word means ur smarti get called it like 200 times a day at school
Andrew: “brainac”? Are you at a special school?
wade: no
S-2K: Even they have limits…
Andrew: Wouldn’t the special school take you?
S-2K: They took Forrest Gump, didn’t they?
wade: no its not that u see i would of gone to stockport grammer but it costs £100 a month
wade: and i dont have that type of money
Andrew: What type do you have?
Andrew: Yen?
wade: thats £1000 a month
patrick: IS DAT ALL IT COSTS
patrick: I SUD OV GON DERE
patrick: IN MY DAY
Andrew: “patrick says: I SUD OV GON DERE”
patrick: OH NOT 1000
Andrew: They’d charge more for you, I think.
patrick: ITS SLANG
S-2K: No, it’s slack.
S-2K: There’s a distinct difference.
S-2K: Y’see, slang is a word.
S-2K: Or more accurately, it’s a type of word.
patrick: AN UR A SLAG
S-2K: What you were doing was just lazy.
S-2K: SOS UR MOM OMGWTF BURINATED!11!1
Andrew: It’s not JUST lazy. It’s also stupid.
patrick: AND A SMARTIE PANTS PRICK WITH NO DICK
Andrew: Ok, what do you think a “prick” is?
patrick: U
wade: its u
</blockquote>S-2K got bored and left the conversation at this point:
<blockquote>wade: hes a gimp
Andrew: He should fit in perfectly then
wade: wat wit u
patrick: DATS Y HES ON UR CONTACTS
Andrew: it really is only a matter of time before you resort to “I know you are but what am I”, isn’t it?
Andrew: Only you won’t spell it so well.
wade: wat
patrick: I NO U R BUT WOT AM I A BIG FAT PIE
</blockquote>On New Year’s Eve, Patrick logged on again. How’s this for an opener:
<blockquote>patrick: brb

patrick: ell im.l;,k
Andrew: What?
patrick: well im avin a sleepover
patrick: home onlone
wade: kool
Andrew: None of those were words.
patrick: an orderin pizza hut
patrick: cos my family r all goin out
Andrew: and they didn’t invite you?
Andrew: good call.
patrick: yes they did but id rather stay home aloner
Andrew: the operative word there is, I think, “loner”.
patrick: wen me mates round
wade: matt is round
patrick: yep
patrick: y whos rond at urs
wade: friends
Andrew: Why do you keep saying “onlone” and “aloner” if your friends are round?
patrick: aloner typea r aswell by accident
patrick: wade which 1s
Andrew: if you’re both at such rockin’ parties, WHY ARE YOU ON MSN?

patrick: oh u scared
Andrew: Scared?
Andrew: Why would I be scared, exactly?
patrick: cos i no
Andrew: You “no” what?
patrick: an ur aloner
Andrew: there’s that “word” again.
kimmy5645@hotmail.com has been added to the conversation.
patrick: fina a loner
kimmy: hi
patrick: hi
patrick: by im goin
patrick has left the conversation.
Andrew: …is he trying to set us up or something?
kimmy: wat is wrong with him
</blockquote>By the third, he still hadn’t learned to ignore me:
<blockquote>patrick: U dUmB tWaT
Andrew: Wow, alternate capitals. Never seen those before.
patrick: OH GAY GUY NEVER HEARD OF 2 OF DOSE OF DEM B4
Andrew: Is that a sentence? I honsetly can’t tell.
patrick: R U SUM KIND OF TEACHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Andrew: No. Some kind of student.
patrick: WHERE AT
Andrew: Leeds uni.
patrick: NORTH OR SOUTH
Andrew: There’s no “north leeds university” or “south leeds university”.
patrick: I NO I WAS JUST TESTIN U

patrick: dats rong
Andrew: dats ironik
Andrew: I choose to interpret this silence as an admission that you don’t know what “ironic” means.
patrick: it means weird
patrick: or wots ur deffinition
Andrew: “constituting irony”.
Andrew: It’s a little more complex than that, perhaps, but suffice to say it doesn’t mean “weird”.
Andrew: If aliens landed and Elvis stepped out of the saucer and the Loch Ness Monster ate him, noone would look on in wonder and say “how ironic”.
patrick: i didnt ask 4 an example i asked 4 a deffinitio
Andrew: That wasn’t an example.
patrick: deffinaton
Andrew: You know that’s the third spelling of “definition” you’ve tried, and not one of them is right?
patrick: u wudnt find dat in a dictonary
patrick: so its an example
patrick: u dumbo
patrick: oh u scared cos im right
Andrew: It’s a COUNTERexample because I used the word “noone”.
patrick: noone is not a word
patrick: its no one
Andrew: It is. It’s often hyphenated.
patrick: or no1
patrick: no its not
Andrew: Oh, so I suppose “no1” WILL be in a dictionary?
patrick: at all
patrick: on here it will be

patrick: its better den noone
patrick: cos dats sayin noone like midday
Andrew: No, that would be noon.
Andrew: I spell words correctly wherever possible. Save a lot of confusion in the long run.
patrick: so peeps might think u mean noon
Andrew: Perhaps, if they’re illiterate.
Andrew: How exactly would a time of day talk?
patrick: wou on bout
patrick: so
Andrew: What?
patrick: “How exactly would a time of day talk?” ?
Andrew: “If aliens landed and Elvis stepped out of the saucer and the Loch Ness Monster ate him, noone would look on in wonder and say “how ironic”.” You thought I meant “noone like midday”. Look at CONTEXT, would you?
patrick: yes its got aliens in it so the time of day cud talk
patrick: or it cud b sum1s name
patrick: u no im right so ur not anserin
Andrew: “its got aliens in it so the time of day cud talk”. Genius.
Andrew: (See, THAT’s irony.)
patrick: no its not
patrick: dont change the subject cos im rite

Andrew: “weird” means “strange” or “fate”. Ironic means neither of those things.
patrick: it means a little bit strange
Andrew: No it doesn’t.
patrick: u dont understand wen peeps say weird it can mean different things
Andrew: Perhaps they should say those things instead of saying “weird” all the time then.
patrick: no cos it sounds brainy
Andrew: Using the correct words “sounds brainy”, and you think that’s a bad thing?
patrick: yes
A few days ago I felt I had to finally block Patrick:

patrick: tomssssssssssssssssssss a lossssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssserrrrrrrrrr
patrick: tomassssssssss
Andrew: Jump off a bridge.
t_moitie has been added to the conversation.
t_moitie: who r u andy?
patrick: put ur hed in a cooker
Andrew: I’ve just blocked Patrick. What a productive day this has been.
patrick: who scared
Andrew: That’s not even a sentence fragment.
patrick: thought u blocked me
Andrew: I did.
</blockquote>While I was typing a message to explain that blocks aren’t effective in multi-user chats and that he would not be able to contact me once he left this conversation, he left the conversation. It’s like the end of a particularly stupid era.

Recently, though, I found his website. That was a great day. His website is the single worst website on the planet. Really. It has links hidden entirely by other links. It has images covering most of the page, and some that move about filling the gaps. Most of the images are also handy links to Google. But the best thing about it is that it is part of a poxy little webring with two other completely identical sites his friends ‘run’. No, in factm the best part is that it has his mobile number on. I decided this was well worth unblocking him for. Besides, I could always reblock him if it came to it.
<blockquote>patrick: hi gay boy
Andrew: You’re aware i’m not gay, aren’t you?
patrick: scared
patrick: l batter u
Andrew: Yes, that’ll be it.
patrick: ur gay wit ur bopss
patrick: boss
patrick: luk in a dictionary
Andrew: How many times? I don’t have a job, ergo I don’t have a boss.
patrick: *dictsionery
patrick: hi
Andrew: And you spelt “dictionary” right the first time.
patrick: randy andy
Andrew: I haven’t heard that one before.
patrick: lol
Andrew: Well, not on the internet.
patrick: i no cos ur not
patrick: borin person
patrick: oh yes u avent erd it cos its not in da dictionary
Andrew: Yes, alas the Oxford Dictionary Of Nicknames is still in its early stages.
patrick: dere isnt any nicknames 4 lossers in the dictionary soz ull ave 2 look up sumthin else
Andrew: Perhaps I’ll look up “lossers” to see what it means.
Andrew: It isn’t in.
patrick: lol
</blockquote>