The Story Of The Moral

I am a Christian. Though I am not a fundamentalist, I sincerely believe that anyone who fails to repent and trust in Jesus Christ will go to Hell. Is it ethical to respect the personal beliefs of others and basically let them go to Hell? Or should I warn them and risk upsetting them, not to mention the trouble I might cause for myself?

This was the question posed yesterday to The Times’ morality expert, or at least columnist, and offspring of unimaginative parents, Joe Joseph.

I don’t like Joseph very much. I think he generally tries to be funny rather than helpful and winds up being neither. I find his column little more use than an astrology column. Partly, I acknowledge, this is because the people who write to his column usually have rather stupid questions like “is it okay to commit insurance fraud?” or “can I still go to my son’s wedding even if I don’t have exactly the right kind of suit for a wedding, as dictated by the strict dresscodes of Victorian England?”, and he’s expected to stretch out “no, don’t be stupid” to an entire column. But in this case he’s been set an interesting moral dilemma, one which I’ve pondered myself from the other side, and been given a good opportunity to discuss the issue in a public forum.

So let’s see what he says.

In a live-and-let-live age, many would say that it’s no more your business to stop people from going to Hell, if that’s what they want to do, than it is to stop them going to Wyoming, or to a cinema to watch The Sound of Music for the 197th time or to visit a plastic surgeon clutching a photo of Ernest Borgnine and pleading, ‘Doc, I want you to make me look like THIS!’; just as it’s nobody else’s business to bully you with their belief that there is no Hell.

You’ll notice the phrase “many would say” creeping into that sentence, indicating that he has rambled on for about a third of his allotted space and utterly failed to express an opinion either way, although he has crammed in a selection of digs at people, places and films that he doesn’t like. But he still has a lot of space left, so let’s see what else he has to say on the subject.

In any case, perhaps you should be sceptical of people who swear that they are atheists and don’t believe in an afterlife. They may secretly be the most fervent believers of all: it may just be that they like to drive a hard bargain, and that they’re trying to see how much extra they can squeeze out of God in return for finally being won around to his whole Hell concept.

I had to re-read that when I first saw it because it honestly seemed more likely that I’d misread something than it was that a major newspaper had really printed those words in that order. It’s not helpful, and it’s actually a bit offensive. He has no basis for saying that and it’s nothing more than another feeble attempt to get a laugh out of someone’s genuine moral issues. And frankly, I think atheists have quite enough to put up with from the certifiably insane “atheists are intrinsically immoral” crowd without major newspapers (or at least the tat that falls out of them when you shake them) publishing advice that people should “be sceptical” of them in case they’re really just trying to pull a fast one over God.

Moreover, civility demands that we indulge other people’s religious beliefs every bit as tolerantly as we indulge their belief that they know how to crack the Middle East crisis, or that their hair actually looks good combed that way.

More jokes. And still no useful advice, since this is phrased so ambiguously that you can read it as “you should tell them” or “you should keep quiet”, depending on how vocal you are about people with stupid hair. So what major insight does he have for his last paragraph? Come on Joseph, this is your last chance to say something cogent and relevant. Don’t blow it! Don’t blow it…

Anyway, some people actively want to go to Hell.

He blew it.

Anyway, some people actively want to go to Hell. Machiavelli reckoned that the company would be much better there ’” ‘popes, kings, and princes, while in Heaven there are only beggars, monks, hermits and apostles’. And you have to admit this: when you watch people going to Hell, it often looks like they’re having a pretty good time making their way there, doesn’t it?

I mean, really. That’s a total of 329 words and he’s not even made a serious attempt to address the question at hand.

So here is my infinitely more helpful 57 word response:

These are the rules:

If you believe you can help someone avoid Hell then you should.

If they ask you to stop helping them then you should.

If they try to help you not waste your life attempting to please imaginary deities then you should accept that help in good faith (so to speak).

If Joseph responded like that he could fit two or three questions in each week, he’d get the job done quicker, and he’d offend far fewer people. And for bonus points, he’d end up with a much funnier column, because everyone knows the only reason anyone reads Modern Morals at all is to laugh at the ridiculous problems people have. Personally, I think it highly strange that people continue to send their questions to this idiot, so possibly they are all fabricated like the winners on Brainteaser.

I also think it highly strange that a column on morality should be written by someone whose apparent aim is to take cheap shots at irrelevant things rather than try to help people.