You have a moral duty to punch David Cameron in the face.

Every so often, David Cameron walks around a building, followed by news crews. Nobody ever punches him in the face. Some people might call this “admirable restraint”. I call it a shameful dereliction of their moral duty.

I don’t just mean because he deserves a smack in the mouth, although obviously he does. Eric Joyce was arrested recently for punching some Tory MPs in the Commons bar, and I remember thinking I would find it very difficult, if I worked in a building full of Tory MPs, not to punch a few (although I see why Labour took the whip away from him: clearly he can’t be trusted with it).

I can’t imagine why Cameron would want to stroll through my office followed by news crews, but if he did, I would not feel comfortable not shouting at him — aside from the lost opportunity to improve the world, it would make it seem like I support his policies. So before the visit, I’d spend ages trying to figure out what I should say to him. This would make me despondent and angry, until the alternative — simply punching him in the face — seemed more attractive.

The thing is, though, that punching him in the face is the better option. I could rant at Cameron until blue in the face — a perfectly constructed stream of vitriol and rage, full of clear, accessible and well-argued points — but probably nobody would hear it except for him, and he’d ignore it. But if I lamped him, right in the middle of the stupid, smug playdoh lump that passes for his face, then I think I’d get to write a long article in at least one major newspaper explaining exactly why I did it. I’d get to speak directly to the public in a way ranting at him couldn’t accomplish.

This is my point: you — each and every one of you — has a clear and immutable moral obligation to punch David Cameron right in the chops, the next time you see him.

Do not let us down on this.