Featuring a new villain Time Lord, the Proctologist

I’ve heard a theory that a trick Steven Moffat uses to make Doctor Who scary is taking things that kids are afraid of anyway – ticking, shadows, monsters under the bed, cracks, France, statues – and making them genuinely deadly. Maybe. Well, I think we could stand to make Doctor Who play on fears a little more grown-up, so here are some adult monsters that the BBC can use for the next series if they want:

The Hooded Death

On the planet of Suburbiton, in the year 50,235, the population live to be 300. Not because of their physiology, but because of the local sun’s exo-plasmic radiation which heals their cells and extends their lives. But there is a dark force at work: the evil Chavineds, a race of humanoids who live only 25 years, mostly spent underground because exo-plasmic radiation is toxic to them. When they emerge from their caves, cloaked in hoods to protect them from the light, they torment the local population by hanging around shops and stealing food. Sometimes they will paint symbols of deadly magic on walls, to give power to their leader, Azboh.

The White Assassin

Planet A1 of the Tahmax cluster consists mostly of narrow ledges, surrounded on all sides by huge drops, forged in the searing heat of the planet’s exposed lava mantle. The population survive by driving small, single-passenger vehicles carefully along the ledges, between the few habitable zones that remain. But their way of life is threatened by Daleks! A fleet of the new-style Daleks landed on A1 about a year ago, but the intense heat destroyed all but the most reflective – the white ones – and even their weapons do not function in the heat. Now the white Daleks are forced to exterminate the locals one at a time by trundling recklessly and inconsiderately along the narrow roads.

Terror From Relatively Nearby

The planet of Daleimale is threatened by a race of aliens who look human in all respects except one – they have slightly darker skin. The invaders come from Nannistait, the next planet towards the local star (called The Star, or The Sun). Their planet is a bit poorer than Daleimale. The entire population can see the invaders’ evil plans, but the being who rules Daleimale, known only as “The Guardian”, has long-since lost his mind. Ignoring the obvious danger, it bestows gifts of jobs and houses on the aliens, while meting out increasingly absurd laws for the humans to follow, banning salt or dictating what shape sausages must be.

The Invisible Killer

The Doctor lands in London, in the year 1241, but is surprised to see many of the locals have mobile phones and internet access way in advance even of 2011’s. After some investigation, he discovers that a sinister government cabal are using the mobile phone transmitters to beam leukaemia and/or mind-control rays into British children. Unable to use the Tardis to travel to a time when tin foil had been invented, how will he fend off the invisible and probably actually harmless waves that surround him at every turn?

The Impossible Corridors

After crash-landing on a rocky moon that wasn’t supposed to be there, the Tardis repairs itself. As with Time Lords, this involves changing its appearance – internally. When it finally opens, the Doctor must venture into its vast larder, to find something to do for dinner. But when he arrives he finds all the aisles have moved around and why must they always do this and he used to know where everything was but now he can’t find anything and he bets they’ve got rid of the nice kind of yoghurt.